Friday, September 30, 2005

I just feel down today...just down. I am not really sure why exactly...
Actually, I guess I could count plenty of reasons why...
For one, it is way too cold today! Like freezing! I am literally shivering in my own room for Heaven's sake! And the radiotor is bloody not ON!!! Like wth do they want us to do? Shrivel and go to sleep and skip class? hmm that's not such a bad idea actually...

Speaking of classes, OMG I HATE what I did on my poetry paper!!! I am so mortified...beyond anything. I feel shitty really. I mean HOW could I have done that? I thought I'd have done a good job....but I never thought it'd go THAT bad. I mean yeah..the comfort is that the first paper is not graded...and I really should have worked on it much sooner *shrugs*. Even still...WHAT is wrong with me? OMG I sincerely hope I didn't f*** up the papers for my other classes too....hmm maybe I could work myself to death on a Vic Lit paper...but not Shakes or Restoration...Man!!! I HAVE to do this well! Or else, I'll screw up my whole English career, which I simply cannot afford to do!

And of course, the other major thing on my mind right now is Salwa's Mom is coming to spend the weekend with her, which is really sweet. But I feel like crying inside. My mother isn't in the state to do such a thing for me. First of all, we are not that close, second, she's very far away, and third, there is SO much else going with my family right now.
You know....I realized just now how I had forgotten what a normal family is supposed to be like.I mean ...I can't even remember the last time my parents had not quarelled. They've never talked to each other like a normal couple. Everytime, it would end in arguments. I really dont' think my parents have anything holding them to each other other than us-the children. And now, the first two have moved away, its the younger two left. My Dad told me he's only staying for my brothers...

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Swimming Lessons
The feeling is just wonderful, breathtaking.
yeah peeps, I am talking about learning to swim (ok...don't laugh, so what? Its never too late to learn anything right? )

But seriously!!! It is truly one of the most liberating things I've ever, experienced.
I never thought I'd learn to actually do free style in so short a time. In the past, I'd watch my brothers dip and dive in the pool and I'd feel envious and upset that I could never yet master that....but that was then. Every time I tried it, I'd be scared of the water filling up my nose, and also of drowing...

Then I needed PE credits to graduate (yes..imagine if the only reason I couldnt' graduate was due to lack of PE credits!!! Like how dumb!!!) so yeah not wlling to risk such a misfortune...I signed up for swimming...because where else would it be easier to learn it (if ever) than right here?

oh the ordeals...first came the shopping for swimsuits (yes, peeps, you should know how picky I am when it comes to that!), and I spent an entire weekend looking for the perfect one! Finally, Safia helped me find a nice, comfy pair =) wasn't easy during the first few days...there were too many steps to remember and I had to learn that merely learning to float didn't mean I could get all excited and eager and go over to the "forbidden" deep end (yeah..and nearly risked a heart attack). But the swimming assistant coaches were really sweet and patient with me though and I am happy to announce that I have finally got the hang of free style *proud grin*.

oh the first time I learnt to float on my back, I could just go on for felt so...peaceful. As if all I had was the water beneath me and the sky above. Gone were all my troubles when I was like that, and I could just concentrate on keeping my tummy in, my legs straight and my head above the water. After a while, I didn't even have to "think"-it just happened. Maybe if I didn't think too much about my worries, it'll all be fine. I could float through life I did in the water. Maybe if I just concentrated on the lightness of being and the pleasure in simple things, life would actually be more enjoyable.

There is a comfort that comes when the water buoys you up, when you learn not to sink. Its like the mass of water beneath and all around you holds you as if you were in a cocoon. The water fils up the spaces around you, and also inside of you. It feels like its telling me "I am right here, enveloping you, holding you, caressing you. You're safe with me. You are safe here."

Next came the learning to actually kick and going forward as well as kicking on your back. This was exciting too...because every time I was able to hold my breath, look down at the bottom of the pool, keep myself horizontal, kick, and move, it means I'd have to push masses of water behind me in order to thrust myself forward. It was symbolic of pushing away your difficulties, evils, temptations, and dissappointments. These things are going to keep coming, keep piling up, but it doesnt' mean that I'd have to let them stop me from going forward. As long as I have faith and believe that I CAN move forward, I can over come them. In fact, those very obstacles will help me not only grow stronger, but also reach newer heights as well as enjoy the pleasures along the way-just like the lightness of floating.

And finally, there is a sort of grace that comes over you when you are in the company of water. Its like you move differenly underneath, and your body arches in ways that would allow you to glide and keep balance. And when you twirl yourself in the water, every move is in slow motion but with a certain melody to it...there is just a pleasant song that your body seems to sing when you are in the water. Its a feeling of letting go...of yourself, your constraints, your difficulties,...and just being comfortable with yourself and your surroundings, feeling safe and comforted, and....and a special kind of lightness, inside and out.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

I just came back from a lecture called "Re-imagining the Scarlet Letter" given by Deborah Noyes, the author of
"Angel and Aposte", which is the imagined story of Pearl from Hawthorne's timeless classic, The Scarlet Letter. I was sitting there completly smitten!!! I felt like she was a true kindred spirit. She was echoing my sentiments in a way that almost made me cry.
Like she talked about how she was drawn to the Scarlet Letter since she was in High School, how she came back to it later as a college student and there was just something about it she could not let go. She mentioned that she was so intrigued by Pearl's charcter, because she could find parallels between her own character and that of Pearl, as well as give life to a character Hawthorne didn't give enough voice to.

She said that she kept seeing visions of a little girl in a red dress, with an impish face, singing aloud, and sort of just not letting her go. It was a sign for Deborah to start writing, as a way to validate the appearance of that image in her head. Deborah mentioned how she would relate more to characters in books than even in real life, and I could SO attest to that! I was sitting there thinking "OMG so here is ONE person speaking in front of a crowd thing sthat I have felt and thought no one would ever understand or relate to" And yet, the other listened to her, nodded, smiled. I wonder what they were thinking. Did they dismiss everything she said about imagining "real" characters as real people and seeing visions of characters? Or did they look upon her in utter awe? Were they really fascinated about her almost mystic language and countenance and the experiences she related as a writer and as a person?
Would what she said hold the same meaning to the other people in the room as it did for me? Unless there were other people like me in the room, I reckon it wouldn't have the same meaning.
If one person, such as Deboarah Noyes, could hold the attention and interest of a crowd because she seemed so different, so like me, then I wonder if there would be others who'd be interested in what I might have to say. I don't come across many people here who think the way I do, see the way I do. Its almost like I live in my own world most of the I am two people: one who can mingle with others as if I am like one of them, and yet there is this other part of me that feels so alone because I don't find people here to really open up to. So I was thinking...maybe, just maybe, if I became as famous as Deborah, would the crowd of people think I am interesting and worth listeing to? Maybe if I became someone like Deborah, I might be able to find people in the crowd the same way as Deborah had me in her crowd.

She mentioned how she was fascinated by the Gothic writing, like the Brontes (*grins*). And she talked about how she felt she had to give a voice to women from the past.

And Deb also talked about how she liked Children's Fiction-something so very close to my own heart. She talked about how Children's fiction influenced her own work as a writer of adult fiction. And I was there thinking "She has the best of what I want to do: Chidlren's fiction and Classic English literature"

At the end of the lecture, I had some time to talk to her. I was so excited I could barely make sense of what I said ...because I talked to fast! I talked about how I loved the Brontes and Children's Fiction, how I can relate to characters as much or more than real people, and also how I feel like I see visions of characters. She listened and smiled and there was such warmth and sympathy in it...that I truly felt that I was talking to someone who really understands what I say, who knows how much characters mean to me. Who can escape to alternate worlds, away from the world of the mundane, real life. Who can dream endless dreams and savor them all and live in the richness of the imagination.

She asked me "are you a writer?" and that got me thinking..She must have noticed something enough ask that question....
Maybe I should write..
and if I do, maybe sooner than I think....
I found this on SH's resume and I thought it was such a beautiful saying....
I dunno...but I think its sweet that there is a line that says " I am here tonight". It has such a tone of comfort in it. Its like someone is watching over you...and that someone can be anyone you want it to be. I would think of God first, then someone else...

It also tells you not be afraid, because fear dissolves into beauty. The same thing that frightens us could hold beauty as well...for it all depends on how we look at it.

Lullaby For a Stormy Night
--words and music by Vienna Teng

little child, be not afraid
though rain pounds harshly against the glass
like an unwanted stranger, there is no danger
I am here tonight

little child, be not afraid
though thunder explodes and lightning flash
illuminates your tear-stained face
I am here tonight

and someday you'll know
that nature is so
the same rain that draws you near me
falls on rivers and land
on forests and sand
makes the beautiful world that you'll see
in the morning
Just blogging away...
So I was supposed to be taking time off and studying this afternoon!!! OMG why am I just such a procrastinator?? Like I started this blog for Heaven's sake and I am preoccupied on updating it. Gosh how time flies....

Anyways..not a very eventful day today however...
No classes, but just had regular work *rolls eyes*. I am planning to go to what seems like a great lecture today in the ZA House. Its called "Re-imagining the Scarlet Letter" and the speaker is a writer of sequel to Hawthorne's Scarlet Letter that focuses on the story of Pearl. The book is infact called "Angel and Apostle". Hopefully it shoud be good..