Saturday, October 29, 2005

You Gotta Be by Des'Ree

Listen as your day unfolds
Challenge what the future holds
Try and keep your head up to the sky
Lovers, they may cause you tears
Go ahead release your fears
Stand up and be counted
Don't be ashamed to cry

You gotta be
You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold
You gotta be wiser, you gotta be hard
You gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm
You gotta stay together
All I know, all I know, love will save the day

Herald what your mother said
Read the books your father read
Try to solve the puzzles in your own sweet time
Some may have more cash than you
Others take a different view
My oh my, hey hey

You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold
You gotta be wiser, you gotta be hard
You gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm
You gotta stay together
All I know, all I know, love will save the day

Don't ask no questions, it goes on without you
Leaving you behind if you can't stand the pace
The world keeps on spinning
You can't stop it, if you try to
This time it's danger staring you in the face
Oh oh


Listen as your day unfolds
Challenge what the future holds
Try and keep your head up to the sky
Lovers, they may cause you tears
Go ahead release your fears
My oh my, hey hey

You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold
You gotta be wiser, you gotta be hard
You gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm
You gotta stay together
All I know, all I know, love will save the day

Yeah yeah yeah
You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold
You gotta be wiser, you gotta be hard
You gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm
You gotta stay together
All I know, all I know, love will save the day

Yeah yeah
Got to be bold
Got to be bad
Got to be wise
No one ever said
Got to be hard
Not too too hard
All I know isI never saved the day

You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold
You gotta be wiser, you gotta be hard
You gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm
You gotta stay together
All I know, all I know, love will save the day

You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold
You gotta be wiser, you gotta be hard
You gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm
You gotta stay together

You Gotta Be is the first (1st) song on the I Ain't Movin album
Here's something Salwa and I were discussing just now. Actually, Prof C brought it up.
( I love how there is a little tidbit of profound thought that stays with me at the end of every class or two, or meeting with my Profs)

Anyways, this is what Prof C said: Maybe the people who we would call "crazy" and "unable to cope with this life" are NOT crazy at all. Perhaps it is US, the "normal" people who are crazy because we are trying to deal with this choatic substance that is daily life. The "crazy"people cry out against it and actually break down and admit that something is wrong while the rest of us dismiss the weirdness that goes on in life and we try to smile and be happy and deal with the craziness itself. who really is crazy?

Thursday, October 27, 2005

See my prowess!!!!!
(ps in a bit that is :P, and that's not really me but what I *would* be)
You know ....
Its just a nice feeling when you learn. As in NOT worry about grades, parents, future career prospects etc. Its just nice to learn for learning's sake.

The less I worry about what others think and how smart I have to be, the more I find myself enjoying each class.

Today I got my Hamlet paper back...and lets just say, I didnt' get something I did NOT expect. I know Prof C is hard and all on the first paper...
But what I CAN satisfy myself with is the fact that he does like my ideas and I do push myself to think and interpret stuff. I have to work harder in writing, that's all. Plus, all the comments that Prof C made on my paper forced me to see my paper in a different light. They are points I will keep in mind the next time I write a paper. I do see how much scope there is for improvement in all of this. The difference between then and now is that I actually feel excited about what I learn. I don't feel like sleeping in class and I don't feel like my classes are a pain that I have to endure so that I can finally be "happy". The truth is, THIS is what makes me happy: the very classes themselves (even if I do a crap paper, the papers are not all of it...there are the great discussions and the potential of dreaming up stories). One can't always think they've got to pointlessly suffer in doing something that is hard...when they can do what makes them happy and benefit a whole lot of people, not to mention themselves.

But the gist of all of this is: No matter what anyone says or believes about me, I am glad I am learning. I am glad I am excited about things. I hope I never lose that streak.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Food for thought:

"We are nothing but a thought"---my Art Prof.
Imagine if aliens came to earth and told you you were not a human but a rubber ball. Who is to say that you AREN'T a rubber ball anyways? Everything is just a construction of thoughts. And thoughts are relative.
Just as dreams. After all, our very existance is confined by the boundaries of someone else' dream. In this sense, are we never free? Are we perpetually trapped, even in the dreams of another person?

The significance of paper cuts. Imagine the pain a single sheet of paper inflicts when it slices your skin. It is so unnoticeable and yet it has the power to make you bleed and cry. You can't foresee it coming....and it acts for merely a few seconds...and yet, the pain is so sharp. The resilience of the skin is torn by the thickness of a single sheet of paper which is not more than the width of a single strand of hair.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Update on life so far (don't know how many of you are interested anyways..)

Today was the last day of my swimming class, and I was really sad to leave. As hard as it was for me, I did like being there. I know I'd make an effort to go to the pool more often, but it won't be the same as swimming with other beginners and getting help from the coaches. I'm looking forward to fencing tho..hope it makes up for my not taking Part 2 of the swimming class.
Karin explained to me how she does freestyle and it actually worked (a wee bit). The whole point (like E kept telling me all the time) is to just let loose and HAVE FUN! Forget that others are watching you, forget that you are not perfect, forget about everything but how happy playing with the water makes you feel. If I could bring myself to forget everything, but the water, I DO feel happy. I DO like being in the water. I DO like letting myself loose. I DO like being freed from other constraints. Anyways...enough of the philosphizing....

I borrowed 2 books on Bronte today: The Bronte Myth and Charlotter Bronte and the Female Desire. I am really excited to start on them soon...hopefully they won't prove disappointing..(as if the Brontes can do that lol!)

Shruti Laya is gonna be FAB this year. Why?? Because the '06 seniors are the coolest!!! lol! I am in the senior dance, bengali dance and possibly psa. Hope I dont' stress myself out doing too much...but I figured its the last time and I do want to enjoy it when I can. Who knows if I can ever do something like this again...

The weekend was a bummer. I did think of a G/C story. But its really trying having to think of my story tho...gosh I need to be more disciplined.

Internet crap: one of the biggest lessons of my life: its ok to be cheated. Its only normal. Yeah, I feel like shit when I thik of it. Then I remember that it happened because the good things are on their way. Like a crap boy moves out of your life so that Price Charming can move in. In my case, its crappy snivelling, assholes I had the naivete to trust. jeez, if this doesn't arouse disgust in myself, I dont' know what will. Anyways, I am trying to put it past me. Its ok tho....I sort of expected it. Actually, I am relieved in a funny way, if that makes any sense.

That's it for now. End rant.

Saturday, October 22, 2005

stolen from random blog.

Fill in the blank:
Feeling : Restless...unsure of what to start next: homework or my *big* project?
Listening to: Soft pop
Am currently working on: Doing this questionnaire
Spent last night: catching up with friends
Had breakfast of: pancakes
Missing: nice conversations...
Thinking of: my family
Planning to: be more productive
Wanting to: work on a good story
Favourite time of the day is: after 9pm
Really hate: hate is too strong a word...
Always wanted to play: the piano
Dreaming of a: love worth a lifetime
Would love to french kiss: said love
A dream come true is when: I am with said love, when the world is that much more beautiful and I feel like a better person because of all it. (to be edited :P)

Thursday, October 20, 2005

I signed up for fencing today!!!
I am so excited !!! Its something I've never thought of doing before..and besides, I needed one more term of PE credits to graduate lol! oh and Alex is in it too :D

Swimming was a bummer today AGAIN!! But the swim coaches were really sweet patient with me.

Currently I am trying to work on a Gertrude/Claudius story...I am brainstorming on ideas as to how to present Gertrude. Should I make her strong or weak?

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

I love this poem by Hardy. It is soulful, melancholy, and yet, so poignant and beautiful.

The Voice
~Thomas Hardy~
Woman much missed, how you call to me, call to me,
Saying that now you are not as you were
When you had changed from the one who was all to me,
But as at first, when our day was fair.
Can it be you that I hear? Let me view you, then,
Standing as when I drew near to the town
Where you would wait for me: yes, as I knew you then,
Even to the original air-blue gown!
Or is it only the breeze in its listlessness
Travelling across the wet mead to me here,
You being ever dissolved to wan wistlessness,
Heard no more again far or near?
Thus I; faltering forward,
Leaves around me falling,
Wind oozing thin through the thorn from norward,
And the woman calling.

The Power of Three: The Bronte Sisters (potrait by Branwell Bronte)

From L-R: Anne, Emily, and Charlotte.

a younger Charlotte
(Gainsborough portrait)

a much older Charlotte

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

More swimming today....thanks to Alex =)
Trust me when I say this (tells self), I DO like swimming! even though I complain and scream and curse when I am in the pool. Like I've mentioned scores of times, there is a peculiar kind of joy that comes with swimming-or the concept behind it. Its the fact that a)I am learning this FOR me BECAUSE I want to do this. b)It is hard to do but SO worth it when I master a trick. c)the BEST part: it is NOT graded! or and ofcourse is an irresistibly sensous dance *winks*
OMG I had NO f*** indea that you had to CLOSE your mouth when you exhale, until Alex told me today!!! Like WTH have I been doing ALL this while!!!! No wonder I am always about to choke everytime I try and take a breath!!! ok..lesson learnt. Thanks Alex *hugs*. You've been a real brick!! Luv ya!

Other than that...more lessons learnt.
NEVER EVER trust people the way I used to. Bad, mistake. Huge.
I am still trying to recover from such an awful blow. Yeah you sceptics out there would think: what's the big deal? It wasn't a "real" connection, but let me tell you this: it is as real as you make it out to be. For me, all that was real-in my head. And now I feel like I have lost a part of me. Of course, I am so angry for what the others did, but even more angry at myself for falling for something like that. And bitterly, I must confess I am sorry the dream ended and I had to wake up.
Everything happens for a reason, true. I am sure this was no exception. Someday I'll make sense of it all. Someday I'll be able to look back on it and actually smile and let it wash over me. For now, I am just working on it.

Monday, October 17, 2005

Jane Eyre stuff:
I LOVE LOVE LOVE these avvies I found in a Jane Eyre fanlisting:

OMG I especially love the first and the last. Jane and Rochester seem so cute!!
And the last one is really brilliant too..."caught in between".
Another *terrible* day at swimming today. Totally awful!!!
Not only did i NOT get a single thing with freestyle, but now Bonnie asked me to learn STEP 1 all OVER again!!! Like taking relaxed bobs for Heaven's sake!!!!!!!!!! Hello!!!! WTH have I been doing all along??? OMG like I was doing it wrong the whole time!!! OMG!!!
I've got to figure out a way to get to the damned pool more often. I DO want to learn. I AM fascinated by this whole swimming thing. And despite what anyone says, I DO like the feeling of freedom and joy it gives me once I master a technique. I love playing with the water. see...the water feels me like a caress....its almost personified for me.....
ok ok will mention to Alex we'd like to swim more often....

Other than than, I am so Bronte-lonely!!! While I have massive HW to do (as usual), I am spending tonight trying to finish up CB biography. I do do so LOVE it. If only I had one more person as crazy about it as I am, it would be so much more engaging and rewarding. btw, I found a really cool Bronte blog on Blogger. The url is
Oh if only I could muster up enough support to start a cool Bronte forum like Forever boards...

oh and if only I could DO a damned Bronte thesis!!!! Like my brain is literally dying for stimulation in that arena *cries*. I know I'd put in all sweat and blood into doing something for Charlotte. She's my kindred spirit truly. I miss her so when I am not in touch with her for long....

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Let me just say: it makes me really happy to see two people in love.
Like today, I was feeling groggy at having to wake up *relatively* early and all...and I was kind of sulky but then I saw these two people so into each other-its more than the "they are making out with each other all over" kinda thing...its just that both of them seem so happy, its like their faces lighten up, and they look so hopeful, as if life couldn't get any more beautiful =).

Thank God for Love. Thank God it exists. Thank God we all feel its affects.

Love does not come in a box: it transcends all kinds of boundaries, which is more reason why it is so powerful and all the more special. The best part, its free!

Having said all that, I think the trouble only comes when you want more out of love from the other person. Other than that, we can all love to any lengths.
found in someone's FC resume. I thought it was very telling, and I love the last part...

"I always feel this pressure of being this strong and independent icon of womanhood and not making it look like my whole life is revolving around some guy, but loving someone and being loved means so much to me, I always make fun of it and stuff, but isn't everything we do in life a way to be loved a little more?" - Celine, Before Sunrise

(btw, y'all HAVE to see "Before Sunrise" and its sequel "Before Sunset"-two of the best eye-opening movies I have ever seen. Will take your breath away)

Saturday, October 15, 2005

Something to ponder about:
"There is a deep connection with Art and Loss".
---my Poetry teacher.

(this certainly kept me thinking for hours)

Basically, you think about the story of Daphne and Apollo. Apollo made a wreath out of the laurel leaves from the tree Daphne turned into so that he could keep her forever in his memories. So he tried to express his loss in the form of constructing something. That is what poets (and artists) do in essence. They construct a work of art when they have undergone loss. Art is thus an expression for loss.

I thought about all the works of art that I hold dear: books by Bronte, Hardy, Paintings by Renoir, Monet, Music by Mozart, Schubert, Shakespeare's plays, basically any form of art...and then it amazes me that perhaps the artists have had to endure some form of loss in order to construct such magnificent works. Even regarding my own work (not so magnificent of course..but nevertheless I consider my best work), I wrote my short story when I was having a difficult time, when I thought I lost something....

Thursday, October 13, 2005

I feel like I can never figure out the mysteries of relationships.....even with my girlfriends, let alone any one of the opposite sex or of potential romantic interest....

I feel like I get too attached to some people and the trouble comes when they are not as attaached to me..then I am just left (dumped) just like that while they move on as if they have no idea what happens to me.

Ok...its always like me needing people, not the other way round-or hardly. I am always the one saying "Hi. Howz it going? Is everything ok? Missed you!". Hardly ever do I hear that directed towards me. I mean I feel like I could die right this moment and no one will guess....or more like few would even care to mourn over my death.

I should't be so depressed...and I am not most of the time, but when "friends" do that to you, what have you left? Just be indiffernet and move on? Why am I so sensitive? Maybe the right thing for me to is not get emotionally involved with anyone until I can be sure that it'll be worth it. But that is ambigous in itself...

oh and another thing today...swimming was a bummer. It went badly for me. I dunno what came over me...somehow I just forgot all about freestyle and I kept sinking badly. I really should do something about my nervousness...this is SO not good, and I did so want to go to the deep end before the end of class *cries*

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Quote of the day:

Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.
~Mark Twain

Monday, October 10, 2005

How I wish I was thesising right now.
I mean my heart skips a beat every time I think of something Bronte...that I wish I could have taken one step further by doing a thesis. Oh if only I had had some backbone and stuck to English sooner during Sophomore year...I definitly would have had time to think of doing a thesis then...

And another thing I wish....
I wish I knew what it feels like to turn down people instead of them turning me down. Mean you think, eh? meh...just a thought....

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Found this in someone's blog:

"The Dance" written by Tony Arata and performed by Garth Brooks

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared beneath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known you'd ever say goodbye
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance
Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I the king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance
Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I'd have had to miss the dance

LOL!!! An English major insider's joke hehe

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

On relationships....'d think I am obsessed with this topic...but I guess you won't be too far from the truth if you assumed so. Lately I have been thinking about this a lot, philosophizing, surmising, musing, writing, drawing, etc etc in order to comprehend what it means to have a good, loving relationship, what it means to live in this world with people.

One thing Alex told me resonates in my head when I feel low. Basically, if you've found that one person to whom you mean the world and vice versa, then it doesn't matter how many relationships you've had in the past or if you've had any at all. All that matters is that you've found that person. So if I find myself complaining that I've never dated anyone, that I haven't even been properly dumped, I tell myself that that is beside the point. My goal is to find that special person, and it could happen the first time I meet a guy too, so there's no point in fretting about how I'd want to go through failed relationships in the first place. I guess the point here is: patience. Wait. And that is the hard part.

meh...I dunno...I still get bouts of melancholy tho....but I do find Alex's advices comforting =)
Thanks Alex *hugs*
Arggh!!!!!!!!!!! PROCRASTINATION KILLS!!!!!
I've been trying to work on my paper for days now!!! And I have only barely started (on the "rough" draft) a few minutes ago!
OMG all that excuse for sleeping and needing rest is just crap! I think I was just trying to avoid working on my paper.
The assignment is on the character of Mrs. Loveit. She's an interesting parsonage, but very twisted. Its like I can't seem to find how to order my essay *confused frown*
For now, I think I'll just write everything that pops into my head. If I have at least 4 pages done, I'll treat myself to a nap *knocks on wood*


Monday, October 03, 2005

I came across this passage as I was reading L.M.Montgomery's Magic for Marigold.

...May had said she would give one of her eyes to see the famous Skinner doll. Marigold had gone bravely into the Orchard room to ask Old Grandmother if May might come and see it. She found Old Grandmother asleep-really asleep, not pretending as she sometimes did. Marigold was turning away when her eyes fell on Alicia. Somehow Alicia looked so lovely and appaling-as if she were asking for a little fun. Impulsively Marigold ran to the glass case, opened the door and took Alicia out. She even slipped the shoe out of the hand that had held it for years, and put it on the waiting foot.
...but Marigold did not feel so bold when Salome, terrible and regal in her new plum-colored drugget and starched white apron, had appeared before them and haled her into Old Grandmother's room.
"I should have know she was too quiet" said Salome. "there was the two of 'em-with HER on a chair for a throne, offering HER red currents on lettuce leaves and kissing HER hands. And a crown of flowers on HER head. And both HER boots on. You could 'a' knocked me down iwth a feather. HER, that's never been out o' that glass case since I came to Cloud o' Spruce."
"Why did you do such a naughty thing?" said Old Grandmother snappily.
"She-she wanted to be loved so much," sobbed Marigold. "Nobody has loved her for so long."
"You might wait till I am dead before meddling with her.She will be yours then to 'love' all you want to."
"But you might live forever,"cried Marigold. "Lazarre says so. And I didn't hurt her one bit."
"You might have broken her to fragments."
"Oh, no, no, I couldn't hurt her by loving her."
"I'm not so sure of that," muttered Old Grandmother, who was constantly saying things Marigold was to understand twenty years later.

This passage got me thinking about the nature of love. Sometimes, when we intend to love, it could actually hurt the person that receives it. Just like the doll, although Marigold wanted to love it, she ran the risk of destroying it forever. True she was young and careless so handle such a delicate doll, so this means that perhaps one would have to allow time for love to develop. One shouldn't rush into things quickly without thinking twice of the consequences.
It was also interesting to me about the innocent reaction of Marigold's. After all, the child wanted to love the doll out of the kindness in her heart. Her first impulse was to hold the doll and somehow convey to it how much she loved it.

She could have done that and not destroyed the doll (by dropping it on the floor for example) and the doll would have known how much it is loved.
On the other hand, in showing how love, the doll could have been destroyed forever.

I guess then the next question turns to the nature of the object of our affections, how resilient, how strong they are. If it is a glass doll, obviously its beautiful though very fragile and therefore runs the risk of precarious death.
Also, it depends on the nature of the beholder. I mean if Marigold was older and more careful, she can handle the glass doll much better.
So love depends on a variety of factors, both the giver and receiver, as well as outward dimensions such as time and place.

Saturday, October 01, 2005

I went to the Halaqa yesterday (on the insistence from a few friends who were like "you've GOT to come and speak up"), even though I wasn't that excited to go. After all, Nancy was presenting. I still haven't warmed up to her, I mean she's a nice person and all...but somehow I feel like we just dont' mesh. I feel like I my thoughts are far different from hers...and in her presence I even feel scared to speak up.

Anyways, yesterday at the Halaqa definity was not my cup of tea. Nancy talked about how we have to question all of our friendships-as if we had to gain "something higher" from them instead of having friends merely because we love to be around people. I for one was just apalled at what she said , that we have to try and have girlfriends instead of guy friends. I mean..ok..what if I can't find girls who are like me? Does that mean I have to shut myself in and keep looking for girls? God!!! This does make me angry!!! I have NO idea how I could have put up with it for more than an hour! I should have left much earlier. oh and another thing...she talked about thinking with your head rather than your heart when you are in a relationship-so as to "save yourself from the heartbreak" and also for practical reasons. Hello! In that case, I don't want to marry. I'd much rather be content giving and receiving love freely rather than doing it out of compulsion-just for the name of marriage. Yes, I want to have biological kids, if I can, yes, I want to experience true love. But marriage is much more than just meeting practical requirements, its also a lifetime commitment. God!!! How different people can be!

The more I was there, the more I kept feeling just if I was a bad person...
And then I realized that it shouldn't be how I think. I did nothing wrong. If God is my God, He is Love. I want to love God than fear him. I believe he has brought us here for a purpose and it is not merely serve him, but it is so that we can enjoy this life while remembering Him. We are not sinners, but rather God's children. The more I thought about the faith I was following, the more I compared it to Nancy's version or most of the people there, I realized I was too different. I figured I must then be agnostic of some sort. I strongly believe in God, that He exists, loves and protects, but I dont' like all these "rules", all these silly questions about "if I do this and that, am I wrong?" I mean I would just go for ethical conclusions-yes, if you kill someone, it is wrong. But if you have a guy friend as your best freinds, you are not doing anything wrong. I mean jeez!!!

Seriously, I became feverish and I had a mind splitting headache after the Halaqa. I had to run out of the room back to my dorm and all I did was jump into my bed and try and sleep. But sleep didn't come that easily though...I just felt so restless and just so glum. I also had this dull ache that I dont' think I am still over.

If only I had someone I could turn to who wouldn't judge me in any way, but just listen to me and reiterate that God loves first and foremost, and that if I wished to live an ethical life, then I should be welcomed to do so.