Saturday, December 31, 2005

Feeling nostalgic...I realize that I have only ONE semester to go before I graduate! I should be glad (and I am to an extent) but mostly I am not. First of all, I am apprehensive about what is after...a job/grad school etc, and second, I really want to take more classes in English and the Arts.

In the spirit of welcoming the New Year and looking back on the past, I decided to complie a list of a few things I am grateful for and I am going to miss.

*W-I will miss it!! Its been such a blessing for me!
*The English Department!!! The classes, the Profs, the staff and students ALL ROCK!!!
The Hamlet class, Victorian Novels, Classical Mythology, Poetry, Profs C, S!
*Good friends: who've been there for me when I needed them, who are supportive and great to hang out with.
*Liberal Arts education: I am glad I've had a chance to get an all rounded education :)
*The Art department: for being so supportive! Specially Prof. D!
*The LTC and the tutors there.
*The Lake: It is sooooo beautiful all year round!!
*Gothic campus: As much as it creeps me out at times, it is fodder for the Imagination!
*Mandatory PE credit-If this wasn't the case, I would not have taken Swimming or fencing which I have learnt to simply LOVE!!!
*CWS: both years they've been FAB!! I am really grateful to the funding they've given me so I was able to have worthwhile internship experiences.
*The ISA program: I would not have gone abroad without them! And the committee.
*Midnight Breakfast: reminded me of the stuff only found in Enid Blyton's school stories (esp. Mallory Towers!!!)

and much more..

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Another favorite of mine:

Lines Composed In A Wood On A Windy Day
-by Anne Bronte

My soul is awakened, my spirit is soaring
And carried aloft on the wings of the breeze;
For above and around me the wild wind is roaring,
Arousing to rapture the earth and the seas.

The long withered grass in the sunshine is glancing,
The bare trees are tossing their branches on high;
The dead leaves beneath them are merrily dancing,
The white clouds are scudding across the blue sky

I wish I could see how the ocean is lashing
The foam of its billows to whirlwinds of spray;
I wish I could see how its proud waves are dashing,
And hear the wild roar of their thunder to-day!

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Something is not right...
Even though I don't know what it is, a part of me does not want to know either. After all, I could use any ounce of imagination I could get. Its like having want to have friends really badly and all...but when you are with them, you want to be alone with your thoughts. I don't know if these two things can ever go together. Like now I am at home and with family..and yet a part of me wants to be alone. When I am alone, I don't like it too much either. All I want to do is be EVERYTHING to ONE other thing..but then again...I don't know if this is the solution. Anne Bronte's poem "The Captive Dove" a favorite of mine (what with writing 2 papers and spending countless hours thinking about it, I ought to be an expert on it I reckon :P). But the gist of the poem is...Anne finds herself trapped and tries to find freedom in art. However, art leaves her "pining, neglected and alone". I think then that we are forever ourselves.

The Captive Dove
~Anne Bronte

Poor restless dove, I pity thee;
And when I hear thy plaintive moan,
I mourn for thy captivity,
And in thy woes forget mine own.

To see thee stand prepared to fly,
And flap those useless wings of thine,
And gaze into the distant sky,
Would melt a harder heart than mine.

In vain, in vain! Thou canst not rise:
Thy prison roof confines thee there;
Its slender wires delude thine eyes,
And quench thy longings with despair.

Oh, thou wert made to wander free
In sunny mead and shady grove,
And far beyond the rolling sea,
In distant climes, at will to rove!

Yet, hadst thou but one gentle mate
Thy little drooping heart to cheer,
And share with thee thy captive state,
Thou couldst be happy even there.

Yes, even there, if, listening by,
One faithful dear companion stood,
While gazing on her full bright eye,
Thou mightst forget thy native wood

But thou, poor solitary dove,
Must make, unheard, thy joyless moan;
The heart that Nature formed to love
Must pine, neglected, and alone.

Monday, December 26, 2005

I am beaming now....literally.
My 14 year old brother who hates reading books (in general) actually is taken to a book I made him read. Norton Juster's "The Phantom Tollbooth" WORKS WONDERS!!!!
I was smitten with the book ever since I read it after Darlene recommended it to me. I handed a copy of it to my brother as a reading assignment and I couldn't believe he is actually reading it without being told!
If my hopes of being an English teacher needed more encouragement, I have had some food for it today. Just seeing my brother makes me so happy.

Saturday, December 24, 2005

My Sister's Keeper...Jodi Picault

*may contain spoilers so be warned*

I really liked the themes this book brought out. The nature of death and how it is unpredictable. I was really surpised by the ending of the book, all the while I thought that Kate would die but just when the writer prepares you for getting to know Anna more, she has to take her away. At first, the Fitzgeralds were told to expect the death at any time and but then when Anna was born and Kate had a regular supply of blood from Anna, Sara focused on planning to keep Kate alive. For her it was always a matter of "if we get the meds in time, then Kate can be kep alive for longer" or "if we prevent her from doing this, then we can prolong her life" and Sara never thought that there are some things that you can never prevent no matter what. Sara worked so hard to prepare for Kate's death: the photographs, keeping every memory of Kate alive, dreading the life to follow if Kate died, but death defeats any plan or preparation. We can never know when death will strike....Sara as a parent never expected she'd have to prepare for the death of her child and in another level, she was so preoccupied with Kate that she never thought that she should make bonds with the other members of her family. It need not have been Anna in the end, it could have been Jesse too. Jesse is a troubled kid and Sara didn't have time or the energy to get to know him well (before Anna's death that is).

The author's decision to kill Anna is both good and bad. I think it works well in this case because it addresses the issue of how one can never plan death. Also, in terms of Anna's character, I felt it was a good move in thi case because she did not have to go through everything in this world. She was literally unwanted and she might as well remove herself from such a place. Even if Anna had lived, she would have been constantly under the pressure of having to donate her organs or her blood for Kate. She'd have still been ignored by her parents. But in death, she is remembered more. Her death is literally like a blow to the readers, it came when we least expected it, just like an accident.
On the other hand, the author did not give Anna an opportunity to excercise her rights. We don't even know if she would have stuck to her word and not donated the kidney to Kate. We dont' know how her family would have responded to her after the trail, if they would have noticed her more or not. In some ways, by killing Anna its like the author herself is deciding what to do with her: Anna is trying to fight against a force that "designed" her and made her do things she had no choice over. The author does just that: by giving Anna a voice and letting her get to know the readers, and then taking her life a way so cruelly, the author is doing the very thing that Anna is fighing against.

I liked the technique of having Kate's voice in only one chapter, the last chapter. I think this is a very powerful move becase all the while we wonder who is Kate, what is her mind like..and when we just hear about other people talking about her, it is as if she is dead to us. However, when we hear her in the last chapter, we know she is alive. We only hear Kate when Anna is dead. I think this means that they cannot co-exist. In the real of the home, Kate rules but in the book, Anna rules...until her death, when Kate rules again.
ahh....just turned in my final papers yesterday...TWO for 234: one called "The tragedy of Passion: Character of Mrs. Loveit in George Etherege's 'The Man of Mode'." and the other one is "Ode on the Death of a Favorite Cat by Thomas Gray"

Now that that's over....I've got my hands on more books to keep myself occupied LOL!
I finished "My Sister's Keeper" by Jodi Picoult yesterday..OMG EVERYONE should read it! It brings out so many issues that all of face that just reading it on the page is invigorating...
Next I plan to start on either "Snow Falling on Cedars" or "Shirley" by Charlotte Bronte.
I've also started reading "The Bronte Myth" by Lucasta Miller (I think I like it better than the biography of CB by Lyndall Gordon, which was too focused on Charlotte as some kind of quiet martyr..)

I am going to post reviews on My Sister's Keeper and Dear Frankie (a movie)

Thursday, December 15, 2005

I have an idea for a project...and I think it'll be a decent deal if I could get it going...
Hopefully I can start it when I am at home.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Plan for final Research paper:

Topic: Portrayals of Ophelia in Western Culture: Representation of female experience

Types of Female experience:
Young maiden/Older Woman (ages of womanhood)
A young picture/older Waterhouse/Older and younger women in films/art
Restraint/one amongst a crowd-18th century
Explosive Sexuality
Balcell's representation
Pictures of mad women
Ellen Terry
Innocent virgins
Religious pictures
Submitting to death in a cold world
Arthur Hughes
Political figure
Kostintsev's Ophelia-aggressing against Stalinst rule
Madness as a symbol of rebellion
Burgin-The Bridge
Balcell-play on Millais
Modern Girl
Almeryda's Ophelia
Multicultural Ophelia
Peter Brooke's Ophelia

Sunday, December 11, 2005


Bewitched, I stumble
And fall, fall, fall,
Into an abyss
of blackness that blinds

I cannot move,
My thoughts are gagged,
My brain is strangled
Caught in the agony
of living another's pain

I cannot will it to go,
Thrashing my head on the banks
My fingers gorging my eyes
I resemble it in madness;
For who is not possessed?

Saturday, December 10, 2005

I was watching JE and a few more thoughts crossed my mind:

* I think JE is as much Rocehster's story as it is Jane's. I mean we know pretty much everything about his life...from his indulgent boyhood to his attitudes as a grown man.
And I was thinking ...that Bronte's purpose was to show that there ARE men like Rochester...who are frustrated with the way the current world around them works, sick of superficial appearances, play acting. These men want someone headstrong but also good as Jane. R also believes in the magic of the past (myths) unlike the others who are into balls and useless card games.
However, for a man like R to get someone like Jane, he as to ISOLATED. Thonfield is indeed is in a lonesome setting. So only if Jane goes to such a place, where R is not interrupted by any other people, he can get to know her ...and then fall in love with her. I guess this means that R could NOT have been as interested in Jane if she had been in a crowd (if you beg to differ, let me know your response)
And then also Bronte says that a union such as Jane and R's could only exitst in isolation because they have to go to Ferndean (and even Thornfield is burnt down). So does such a thing not exist in our life? Does this mean we'd have to live in isolation with someone in order to fall in love? How healthy would such a relationship be? Jane did get to know other people but her exposure to the world is not diverse. Also, R does know the people of the gentry and yet he chooses Jane. How would they carry on their lives? Woudl they not have to meet other people? What if R died early? Granted Jane has a fortune of her own...but how would she be happy without companioship? ..wait...there is Diana and Mary so I guess they'd keep her company though they would not mean to her as much as R did.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

I can't help feeling sad when I hear affection showered on someone and they don't realize what it means.
I was talking to someone and they were telling me about how another esteems them and this person does esteem the other as well...except not to the same extent. With this person it is so mellow...or maybe I don't see enough. I am just not sure. Maybe they do feel more than what is visible to me. But on the other hand, this might not be the case. Perhaps they are shallow in their affections.

How will they love? What will it mean to them? How does their SO feel about this? If I was in the SO's place, I'd be so hurt. I could not endure mellow affections. Its better to have none than something so shallow.

What if I lose
This lust for life?

What if I snap the strings
That bind me tight?

What if I blind my heart
To things that really matter?

What if I choke
On my own breath?

What if I stop feeling?
Where would I go?

What will become of me
If I am not what I am?

For I fear that
Which will extinguish

My fear
For then I will no longer

Be me, myself,
With all my fears.

I feel, I fear, I rise.
I burn, I fear, I fall.

And yet
Let me be

My self


Tuesday, December 06, 2005

I feel a *strange* sense of sadness...a dull ache really...
It's got to do with the end of the semester...truly, this year is the best I've had and I am so sorry to have to let this semester go...I won't get one like this ever again. I've learnt so much, had interactions with people who listen to me, and I have done it all for the pure love of learning and doing what I want to do. Although I have the low moments (mishaps with my parents etc), the good moments are the best I've ever had.

On to other are a few lines I coined for my art project:

You see me not
For I am merely a shadow
Formed of steel
Let me out
For I burn

So..wonder what others who read this think of them..are they really bad lines? or mediocre?
I think they fit the project ...but in the writing of them I also thought they sounded like poetry (?!)

Monday, December 05, 2005

Final Art project ideas:
Theme of invisibility
Shadows/Nun as shadow
Not wanting to lose the nun (symbol)
Storm (representation of something)

Red Room (possibly integrate with above?)
Locked wife
Fire (with R)

Captive Dove

Sunday, December 04, 2005

I need a goal in life. I really do. It would make everything much more focused.
Now if only I could actually DO something about finding a goal.
Things I have to do before I leave for break:
aaarggh!!!!! craziness!!!

So here's the list:
Eng 324: 15 page research paper-Topic: Visualizations of Ophelia
Eng 234: 5 page paper + 5 page rewrite
Eng 120: 6 page comparative paper
Art 105: Portfolio + Narrative project

I think I am going to be near death *cries hysterically*
Some random questions:

Should people live in isolation if they are to be happy?
Why do people hurt each other?
Why do some people want so much out of life and others so little?
Why do some people get lost in the sidelines?
Can one really live with no affections?
Is it possible to live in one's dreams constantly?
Can the dead haunt you?
Can you communicate with your dreams?
What is crazy? Is it being normal?

Sunday, November 27, 2005


In our life there is a single color, as on an artist`s palette,
which provides the meaning of life and art.
It is the color of love.
...Marc Chagall

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven." Ecc. 3:1

Thursday, November 24, 2005

OMG if anyone reading this has extra cash they'd be willing to spare, please please please can you get this for me??? I'd be forever grateful!!! Truly! Right now I am too poor to afford to buy Charlotte Bronte's SIGNED!!! (yes peeps! Signed!) letter, considering how many loans I'd have to pay before I could actually break even, but seriously, I'd give anything to get my hands on this memorabilia!!! See it here

Sunday, November 20, 2005

I am going to do my art project on the Brontes! ...I mean Charlotte lol!
Actually I am trying to decide between Jane Eyre or Villette...will prolly go with Villette. I feel I need to give voice to Lucy...I NEED to get her out there. Jane and the Red Room is great too..but some how I feel there's more calling for Villette precisely because Lucy seems like she is NOT calling...when she really does. (if that maakes any sense).
I am going to call it "Who are you Lucy Snowe?" and give a series of sketches describing the different facets of Lucy: Polly, "brooding child", teacher, lover, "dazzling", imaginative (nun), "directress of her own destiny". I think I can go far with this project...provided I get a better sense of HOW I want to portray this...

In other news: got pissed again today. Was at a party a friend threw in Boston. It was nice being there instead of moping around in my room. However, there were some things I simply could not endure!
Firstly, my brain had SO much to engage I'd have loved to incorporate art into everything.. in fact this one time I made a comment like "look at the layers of action within an action" referring to a friend taking pictures of other friends taking pictures. And the only retort I got was "OMG what? there you go again. contemplating too much. why do it?"

huh?? excuse me!!! What is wrong with my contemplating like that? What is wrong with my seeing things a differnet way? What is wrong with my wanting more out of what I see? Why do people look down and silence me like this?
And another thing...language. All of them talked in a diff. language, leaving me out of it...or rather I feel left out, always have...

so much for an evening..

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Let me just say:
Prudes are F***** annoying!!!! They piss me off!!!!!! I just want to shove this in their faces!!! Why the F**** would you HIDE your friggin FEELINGS??? or do you not feel at all???

Why the HELL do I feel so ALONE???
Why is there NO ONE I can be myself around? Why will NO ONE listen and understand me?

I HATE them!!! They make me sick!!!! Get out of my face!!!

Sunday, November 13, 2005

so SL is OVER!!! I can hardly believe it!!! *cries*
I really do feel sad thinking about is my last time at W and the Senior Dance and slideshow was so poignant...
I dunno...I might try and go over to some South Asian events to dance..but other than that...when will I get to do something like this again??? hmm unless its at my wedding....but I can't even fathom any prospects of that happening anytime soon...

Other than that, I had a nice time doing SL! oh and I also watched P&P yesterday. OMG that Darcy dude was HOT!

Friday, November 11, 2005

More venting!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just got back from SL practice!!! and its already 12:22 AM!!!!!!!!!
I've got a paper and project due tomorrw before 8:15!!!! OMG I so wanna sleep *cries*

Anyways...I must say tho...taking part in this show has made me tons happier than I used to be. I almost feel sad thinking it will be over so soon...
Despite bouts of mellowness, this show makes me smile, dance, forget, dream!!!

Yay Shruti Laya!!

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

OMG Gaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!!!!!!!!
Shruti Laya rehearsal were so damn loooong!!! I stayed from 7 till 1!!! the longest I've ever been if I remember right...
OMG it better be worth it!!

Monday, November 07, 2005

Another FAB Bronte Poem
(I am writing a paper on this one ;-)

To Imagination
---Emily Bronte---

When weary with the long day's care,
And earthly change from pain to pain,
And lost, and ready to despair,
Thy kind voice calls me back again:
Oh, my true friend! I am not lone,
While then canst speak with such a tone!

So hopeless is the world without;
The world within I doubly prize;
Thy world, where guile, and hate, and doubt,
And cold suspicion never rise;
Where thou, and I, and Liberty,
Have undisputed sovereignty.

What matters it, that all around
Danger, and guilt, and darkness lie,
If but within our bosom's bound
We hold a bright, untroubled sky,
Warm with ten thousand mingled rays
Of suns that know no winter days?

Reason, indeed, may oft complain
For Nature's sad reality,
And tell the suffering heart how vain
Its cherished dreams must always be;
And Truth may rudely trample down
The flowers of Fancy, newly-blown:

But thou art ever there, to bring
The hovering vision back, and breathe
New glories o'er the blighted spring,
And call a lovelier Life from Death.
And whisper, with a voice divine,
Of real worlds, as bright as thine.

I trust not to thy phantom bliss,
Yet, still, in evening's quiet hour,
With never-failing thankfulness,
I welcome thee, Benignant Power;
Sure solacer of human cares,
And sweeter hope, when hope despairs!

Saturday, November 05, 2005

So I was reading poems by the Brontes and I came across this one by Anne that I particularly like:

Lines Composed In A Wood On A Windy Day - Poem by Anne Bronte

My soul is awakened, my spirit is soaring
And carried aloft on the wings of the breeze;
For above and around me the wild wind is roaring,
Arousing to rapture the earth and the seas.

The long withered grass in the sunshine is glancing,
The bare trees are tossing their branches on high;
The dead leaves beneath them are merrily dancing,
The white clouds are scudding across the blue sky

I wish I could see how the ocean is lashing
The foam of its billows to whirlwinds of spray;
I wish I could see how its proud waves are dashing,
And hear the wild roar of their thunder to-day!

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Do not fear death, but rather the unlived life. You don't have to live forever. You just have to live. And she did.
~Tuck Everlasting by Natalie Babbitt~

To make the journey and not fall deeply in love... well, you haven't lived a life at all. But you have to try... because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived.
~ Meet Joe Black ~

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

My Heart Only Hurts When I'm Breathing~Shania Twain

Hope life's been good to yousince you've been gone
I'm doin' fine now--I've finally moved on
It's not so bad--I'm not that sad
I'm not surprised just how well I survived
I'm over the worst, and I feel so alive
I can't complain--I'm free again

[Chorus:]And it only hurts when I'm breathing
My heart only breaks when it's beating
My dreams only die when I'm dreaming
So, I hold my breath--to forget
Don't think I'm lyin' 'round cryin' at night
There's no need to worry, I'm really all right
I've never looked back--as a matter of fact

[Repeat Chorus]

It only hurts when I breathe
Mmm, no, I've never looked back--as a matter fact

[Repeat Chorus]

Hurts when I'm breathing
Breaks when it's beating
Die when I'm dreaming
It only hurts when I breathe

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

I found this on a random blog (
"Writers don't write about themselves because they think anyone actually cares that much. They are banking on the fact that in the process of wrestling something out of their own darkness, they can connect with that which is common to someone else. Doesn't have to be everybody, either. Just somebody"......John Fischer

Saturday, October 29, 2005

You Gotta Be by Des'Ree

Listen as your day unfolds
Challenge what the future holds
Try and keep your head up to the sky
Lovers, they may cause you tears
Go ahead release your fears
Stand up and be counted
Don't be ashamed to cry

You gotta be
You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold
You gotta be wiser, you gotta be hard
You gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm
You gotta stay together
All I know, all I know, love will save the day

Herald what your mother said
Read the books your father read
Try to solve the puzzles in your own sweet time
Some may have more cash than you
Others take a different view
My oh my, hey hey

You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold
You gotta be wiser, you gotta be hard
You gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm
You gotta stay together
All I know, all I know, love will save the day

Don't ask no questions, it goes on without you
Leaving you behind if you can't stand the pace
The world keeps on spinning
You can't stop it, if you try to
This time it's danger staring you in the face
Oh oh


Listen as your day unfolds
Challenge what the future holds
Try and keep your head up to the sky
Lovers, they may cause you tears
Go ahead release your fears
My oh my, hey hey

You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold
You gotta be wiser, you gotta be hard
You gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm
You gotta stay together
All I know, all I know, love will save the day

Yeah yeah yeah
You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold
You gotta be wiser, you gotta be hard
You gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm
You gotta stay together
All I know, all I know, love will save the day

Yeah yeah
Got to be bold
Got to be bad
Got to be wise
No one ever said
Got to be hard
Not too too hard
All I know isI never saved the day

You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold
You gotta be wiser, you gotta be hard
You gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm
You gotta stay together
All I know, all I know, love will save the day

You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold
You gotta be wiser, you gotta be hard
You gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm
You gotta stay together

You Gotta Be is the first (1st) song on the I Ain't Movin album
Here's something Salwa and I were discussing just now. Actually, Prof C brought it up.
( I love how there is a little tidbit of profound thought that stays with me at the end of every class or two, or meeting with my Profs)

Anyways, this is what Prof C said: Maybe the people who we would call "crazy" and "unable to cope with this life" are NOT crazy at all. Perhaps it is US, the "normal" people who are crazy because we are trying to deal with this choatic substance that is daily life. The "crazy"people cry out against it and actually break down and admit that something is wrong while the rest of us dismiss the weirdness that goes on in life and we try to smile and be happy and deal with the craziness itself. who really is crazy?

Thursday, October 27, 2005

See my prowess!!!!!
(ps in a bit that is :P, and that's not really me but what I *would* be)
You know ....
Its just a nice feeling when you learn. As in NOT worry about grades, parents, future career prospects etc. Its just nice to learn for learning's sake.

The less I worry about what others think and how smart I have to be, the more I find myself enjoying each class.

Today I got my Hamlet paper back...and lets just say, I didnt' get something I did NOT expect. I know Prof C is hard and all on the first paper...
But what I CAN satisfy myself with is the fact that he does like my ideas and I do push myself to think and interpret stuff. I have to work harder in writing, that's all. Plus, all the comments that Prof C made on my paper forced me to see my paper in a different light. They are points I will keep in mind the next time I write a paper. I do see how much scope there is for improvement in all of this. The difference between then and now is that I actually feel excited about what I learn. I don't feel like sleeping in class and I don't feel like my classes are a pain that I have to endure so that I can finally be "happy". The truth is, THIS is what makes me happy: the very classes themselves (even if I do a crap paper, the papers are not all of it...there are the great discussions and the potential of dreaming up stories). One can't always think they've got to pointlessly suffer in doing something that is hard...when they can do what makes them happy and benefit a whole lot of people, not to mention themselves.

But the gist of all of this is: No matter what anyone says or believes about me, I am glad I am learning. I am glad I am excited about things. I hope I never lose that streak.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Food for thought:

"We are nothing but a thought"---my Art Prof.
Imagine if aliens came to earth and told you you were not a human but a rubber ball. Who is to say that you AREN'T a rubber ball anyways? Everything is just a construction of thoughts. And thoughts are relative.
Just as dreams. After all, our very existance is confined by the boundaries of someone else' dream. In this sense, are we never free? Are we perpetually trapped, even in the dreams of another person?

The significance of paper cuts. Imagine the pain a single sheet of paper inflicts when it slices your skin. It is so unnoticeable and yet it has the power to make you bleed and cry. You can't foresee it coming....and it acts for merely a few seconds...and yet, the pain is so sharp. The resilience of the skin is torn by the thickness of a single sheet of paper which is not more than the width of a single strand of hair.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Update on life so far (don't know how many of you are interested anyways..)

Today was the last day of my swimming class, and I was really sad to leave. As hard as it was for me, I did like being there. I know I'd make an effort to go to the pool more often, but it won't be the same as swimming with other beginners and getting help from the coaches. I'm looking forward to fencing tho..hope it makes up for my not taking Part 2 of the swimming class.
Karin explained to me how she does freestyle and it actually worked (a wee bit). The whole point (like E kept telling me all the time) is to just let loose and HAVE FUN! Forget that others are watching you, forget that you are not perfect, forget about everything but how happy playing with the water makes you feel. If I could bring myself to forget everything, but the water, I DO feel happy. I DO like being in the water. I DO like letting myself loose. I DO like being freed from other constraints. Anyways...enough of the philosphizing....

I borrowed 2 books on Bronte today: The Bronte Myth and Charlotter Bronte and the Female Desire. I am really excited to start on them soon...hopefully they won't prove disappointing..(as if the Brontes can do that lol!)

Shruti Laya is gonna be FAB this year. Why?? Because the '06 seniors are the coolest!!! lol! I am in the senior dance, bengali dance and possibly psa. Hope I dont' stress myself out doing too much...but I figured its the last time and I do want to enjoy it when I can. Who knows if I can ever do something like this again...

The weekend was a bummer. I did think of a G/C story. But its really trying having to think of my story tho...gosh I need to be more disciplined.

Internet crap: one of the biggest lessons of my life: its ok to be cheated. Its only normal. Yeah, I feel like shit when I thik of it. Then I remember that it happened because the good things are on their way. Like a crap boy moves out of your life so that Price Charming can move in. In my case, its crappy snivelling, assholes I had the naivete to trust. jeez, if this doesn't arouse disgust in myself, I dont' know what will. Anyways, I am trying to put it past me. Its ok tho....I sort of expected it. Actually, I am relieved in a funny way, if that makes any sense.

That's it for now. End rant.

Saturday, October 22, 2005

stolen from random blog.

Fill in the blank:
Feeling : Restless...unsure of what to start next: homework or my *big* project?
Listening to: Soft pop
Am currently working on: Doing this questionnaire
Spent last night: catching up with friends
Had breakfast of: pancakes
Missing: nice conversations...
Thinking of: my family
Planning to: be more productive
Wanting to: work on a good story
Favourite time of the day is: after 9pm
Really hate: hate is too strong a word...
Always wanted to play: the piano
Dreaming of a: love worth a lifetime
Would love to french kiss: said love
A dream come true is when: I am with said love, when the world is that much more beautiful and I feel like a better person because of all it. (to be edited :P)

Thursday, October 20, 2005

I signed up for fencing today!!!
I am so excited !!! Its something I've never thought of doing before..and besides, I needed one more term of PE credits to graduate lol! oh and Alex is in it too :D

Swimming was a bummer today AGAIN!! But the swim coaches were really sweet patient with me.

Currently I am trying to work on a Gertrude/Claudius story...I am brainstorming on ideas as to how to present Gertrude. Should I make her strong or weak?

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

I love this poem by Hardy. It is soulful, melancholy, and yet, so poignant and beautiful.

The Voice
~Thomas Hardy~
Woman much missed, how you call to me, call to me,
Saying that now you are not as you were
When you had changed from the one who was all to me,
But as at first, when our day was fair.
Can it be you that I hear? Let me view you, then,
Standing as when I drew near to the town
Where you would wait for me: yes, as I knew you then,
Even to the original air-blue gown!
Or is it only the breeze in its listlessness
Travelling across the wet mead to me here,
You being ever dissolved to wan wistlessness,
Heard no more again far or near?
Thus I; faltering forward,
Leaves around me falling,
Wind oozing thin through the thorn from norward,
And the woman calling.

The Power of Three: The Bronte Sisters (potrait by Branwell Bronte)

From L-R: Anne, Emily, and Charlotte.

a younger Charlotte
(Gainsborough portrait)

a much older Charlotte

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

More swimming today....thanks to Alex =)
Trust me when I say this (tells self), I DO like swimming! even though I complain and scream and curse when I am in the pool. Like I've mentioned scores of times, there is a peculiar kind of joy that comes with swimming-or the concept behind it. Its the fact that a)I am learning this FOR me BECAUSE I want to do this. b)It is hard to do but SO worth it when I master a trick. c)the BEST part: it is NOT graded! or and ofcourse is an irresistibly sensous dance *winks*
OMG I had NO f*** indea that you had to CLOSE your mouth when you exhale, until Alex told me today!!! Like WTH have I been doing ALL this while!!!! No wonder I am always about to choke everytime I try and take a breath!!! ok..lesson learnt. Thanks Alex *hugs*. You've been a real brick!! Luv ya!

Other than that...more lessons learnt.
NEVER EVER trust people the way I used to. Bad, mistake. Huge.
I am still trying to recover from such an awful blow. Yeah you sceptics out there would think: what's the big deal? It wasn't a "real" connection, but let me tell you this: it is as real as you make it out to be. For me, all that was real-in my head. And now I feel like I have lost a part of me. Of course, I am so angry for what the others did, but even more angry at myself for falling for something like that. And bitterly, I must confess I am sorry the dream ended and I had to wake up.
Everything happens for a reason, true. I am sure this was no exception. Someday I'll make sense of it all. Someday I'll be able to look back on it and actually smile and let it wash over me. For now, I am just working on it.

Monday, October 17, 2005

Jane Eyre stuff:
I LOVE LOVE LOVE these avvies I found in a Jane Eyre fanlisting:

OMG I especially love the first and the last. Jane and Rochester seem so cute!!
And the last one is really brilliant too..."caught in between".
Another *terrible* day at swimming today. Totally awful!!!
Not only did i NOT get a single thing with freestyle, but now Bonnie asked me to learn STEP 1 all OVER again!!! Like taking relaxed bobs for Heaven's sake!!!!!!!!!! Hello!!!! WTH have I been doing all along??? OMG like I was doing it wrong the whole time!!! OMG!!!
I've got to figure out a way to get to the damned pool more often. I DO want to learn. I AM fascinated by this whole swimming thing. And despite what anyone says, I DO like the feeling of freedom and joy it gives me once I master a technique. I love playing with the water. see...the water feels me like a caress....its almost personified for me.....
ok ok will mention to Alex we'd like to swim more often....

Other than than, I am so Bronte-lonely!!! While I have massive HW to do (as usual), I am spending tonight trying to finish up CB biography. I do do so LOVE it. If only I had one more person as crazy about it as I am, it would be so much more engaging and rewarding. btw, I found a really cool Bronte blog on Blogger. The url is
Oh if only I could muster up enough support to start a cool Bronte forum like Forever boards...

oh and if only I could DO a damned Bronte thesis!!!! Like my brain is literally dying for stimulation in that arena *cries*. I know I'd put in all sweat and blood into doing something for Charlotte. She's my kindred spirit truly. I miss her so when I am not in touch with her for long....

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Let me just say: it makes me really happy to see two people in love.
Like today, I was feeling groggy at having to wake up *relatively* early and all...and I was kind of sulky but then I saw these two people so into each other-its more than the "they are making out with each other all over" kinda thing...its just that both of them seem so happy, its like their faces lighten up, and they look so hopeful, as if life couldn't get any more beautiful =).

Thank God for Love. Thank God it exists. Thank God we all feel its affects.

Love does not come in a box: it transcends all kinds of boundaries, which is more reason why it is so powerful and all the more special. The best part, its free!

Having said all that, I think the trouble only comes when you want more out of love from the other person. Other than that, we can all love to any lengths.
found in someone's FC resume. I thought it was very telling, and I love the last part...

"I always feel this pressure of being this strong and independent icon of womanhood and not making it look like my whole life is revolving around some guy, but loving someone and being loved means so much to me, I always make fun of it and stuff, but isn't everything we do in life a way to be loved a little more?" - Celine, Before Sunrise

(btw, y'all HAVE to see "Before Sunrise" and its sequel "Before Sunset"-two of the best eye-opening movies I have ever seen. Will take your breath away)

Saturday, October 15, 2005

Something to ponder about:
"There is a deep connection with Art and Loss".
---my Poetry teacher.

(this certainly kept me thinking for hours)

Basically, you think about the story of Daphne and Apollo. Apollo made a wreath out of the laurel leaves from the tree Daphne turned into so that he could keep her forever in his memories. So he tried to express his loss in the form of constructing something. That is what poets (and artists) do in essence. They construct a work of art when they have undergone loss. Art is thus an expression for loss.

I thought about all the works of art that I hold dear: books by Bronte, Hardy, Paintings by Renoir, Monet, Music by Mozart, Schubert, Shakespeare's plays, basically any form of art...and then it amazes me that perhaps the artists have had to endure some form of loss in order to construct such magnificent works. Even regarding my own work (not so magnificent of course..but nevertheless I consider my best work), I wrote my short story when I was having a difficult time, when I thought I lost something....

Thursday, October 13, 2005

I feel like I can never figure out the mysteries of relationships.....even with my girlfriends, let alone any one of the opposite sex or of potential romantic interest....

I feel like I get too attached to some people and the trouble comes when they are not as attaached to me..then I am just left (dumped) just like that while they move on as if they have no idea what happens to me.

Ok...its always like me needing people, not the other way round-or hardly. I am always the one saying "Hi. Howz it going? Is everything ok? Missed you!". Hardly ever do I hear that directed towards me. I mean I feel like I could die right this moment and no one will guess....or more like few would even care to mourn over my death.

I should't be so depressed...and I am not most of the time, but when "friends" do that to you, what have you left? Just be indiffernet and move on? Why am I so sensitive? Maybe the right thing for me to is not get emotionally involved with anyone until I can be sure that it'll be worth it. But that is ambigous in itself...

oh and another thing today...swimming was a bummer. It went badly for me. I dunno what came over me...somehow I just forgot all about freestyle and I kept sinking badly. I really should do something about my nervousness...this is SO not good, and I did so want to go to the deep end before the end of class *cries*

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Quote of the day:

Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.
~Mark Twain

Monday, October 10, 2005

How I wish I was thesising right now.
I mean my heart skips a beat every time I think of something Bronte...that I wish I could have taken one step further by doing a thesis. Oh if only I had had some backbone and stuck to English sooner during Sophomore year...I definitly would have had time to think of doing a thesis then...

And another thing I wish....
I wish I knew what it feels like to turn down people instead of them turning me down. Mean you think, eh? meh...just a thought....

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Found this in someone's blog:

"The Dance" written by Tony Arata and performed by Garth Brooks

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared beneath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known you'd ever say goodbye
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance
Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I the king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance
Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I'd have had to miss the dance

LOL!!! An English major insider's joke hehe

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

On relationships....'d think I am obsessed with this topic...but I guess you won't be too far from the truth if you assumed so. Lately I have been thinking about this a lot, philosophizing, surmising, musing, writing, drawing, etc etc in order to comprehend what it means to have a good, loving relationship, what it means to live in this world with people.

One thing Alex told me resonates in my head when I feel low. Basically, if you've found that one person to whom you mean the world and vice versa, then it doesn't matter how many relationships you've had in the past or if you've had any at all. All that matters is that you've found that person. So if I find myself complaining that I've never dated anyone, that I haven't even been properly dumped, I tell myself that that is beside the point. My goal is to find that special person, and it could happen the first time I meet a guy too, so there's no point in fretting about how I'd want to go through failed relationships in the first place. I guess the point here is: patience. Wait. And that is the hard part.

meh...I dunno...I still get bouts of melancholy tho....but I do find Alex's advices comforting =)
Thanks Alex *hugs*
Arggh!!!!!!!!!!! PROCRASTINATION KILLS!!!!!
I've been trying to work on my paper for days now!!! And I have only barely started (on the "rough" draft) a few minutes ago!
OMG all that excuse for sleeping and needing rest is just crap! I think I was just trying to avoid working on my paper.
The assignment is on the character of Mrs. Loveit. She's an interesting parsonage, but very twisted. Its like I can't seem to find how to order my essay *confused frown*
For now, I think I'll just write everything that pops into my head. If I have at least 4 pages done, I'll treat myself to a nap *knocks on wood*


Monday, October 03, 2005

I came across this passage as I was reading L.M.Montgomery's Magic for Marigold.

...May had said she would give one of her eyes to see the famous Skinner doll. Marigold had gone bravely into the Orchard room to ask Old Grandmother if May might come and see it. She found Old Grandmother asleep-really asleep, not pretending as she sometimes did. Marigold was turning away when her eyes fell on Alicia. Somehow Alicia looked so lovely and appaling-as if she were asking for a little fun. Impulsively Marigold ran to the glass case, opened the door and took Alicia out. She even slipped the shoe out of the hand that had held it for years, and put it on the waiting foot.
...but Marigold did not feel so bold when Salome, terrible and regal in her new plum-colored drugget and starched white apron, had appeared before them and haled her into Old Grandmother's room.
"I should have know she was too quiet" said Salome. "there was the two of 'em-with HER on a chair for a throne, offering HER red currents on lettuce leaves and kissing HER hands. And a crown of flowers on HER head. And both HER boots on. You could 'a' knocked me down iwth a feather. HER, that's never been out o' that glass case since I came to Cloud o' Spruce."
"Why did you do such a naughty thing?" said Old Grandmother snappily.
"She-she wanted to be loved so much," sobbed Marigold. "Nobody has loved her for so long."
"You might wait till I am dead before meddling with her.She will be yours then to 'love' all you want to."
"But you might live forever,"cried Marigold. "Lazarre says so. And I didn't hurt her one bit."
"You might have broken her to fragments."
"Oh, no, no, I couldn't hurt her by loving her."
"I'm not so sure of that," muttered Old Grandmother, who was constantly saying things Marigold was to understand twenty years later.

This passage got me thinking about the nature of love. Sometimes, when we intend to love, it could actually hurt the person that receives it. Just like the doll, although Marigold wanted to love it, she ran the risk of destroying it forever. True she was young and careless so handle such a delicate doll, so this means that perhaps one would have to allow time for love to develop. One shouldn't rush into things quickly without thinking twice of the consequences.
It was also interesting to me about the innocent reaction of Marigold's. After all, the child wanted to love the doll out of the kindness in her heart. Her first impulse was to hold the doll and somehow convey to it how much she loved it.

She could have done that and not destroyed the doll (by dropping it on the floor for example) and the doll would have known how much it is loved.
On the other hand, in showing how love, the doll could have been destroyed forever.

I guess then the next question turns to the nature of the object of our affections, how resilient, how strong they are. If it is a glass doll, obviously its beautiful though very fragile and therefore runs the risk of precarious death.
Also, it depends on the nature of the beholder. I mean if Marigold was older and more careful, she can handle the glass doll much better.
So love depends on a variety of factors, both the giver and receiver, as well as outward dimensions such as time and place.

Saturday, October 01, 2005

I went to the Halaqa yesterday (on the insistence from a few friends who were like "you've GOT to come and speak up"), even though I wasn't that excited to go. After all, Nancy was presenting. I still haven't warmed up to her, I mean she's a nice person and all...but somehow I feel like we just dont' mesh. I feel like I my thoughts are far different from hers...and in her presence I even feel scared to speak up.

Anyways, yesterday at the Halaqa definity was not my cup of tea. Nancy talked about how we have to question all of our friendships-as if we had to gain "something higher" from them instead of having friends merely because we love to be around people. I for one was just apalled at what she said , that we have to try and have girlfriends instead of guy friends. I mean..ok..what if I can't find girls who are like me? Does that mean I have to shut myself in and keep looking for girls? God!!! This does make me angry!!! I have NO idea how I could have put up with it for more than an hour! I should have left much earlier. oh and another thing...she talked about thinking with your head rather than your heart when you are in a relationship-so as to "save yourself from the heartbreak" and also for practical reasons. Hello! In that case, I don't want to marry. I'd much rather be content giving and receiving love freely rather than doing it out of compulsion-just for the name of marriage. Yes, I want to have biological kids, if I can, yes, I want to experience true love. But marriage is much more than just meeting practical requirements, its also a lifetime commitment. God!!! How different people can be!

The more I was there, the more I kept feeling just if I was a bad person...
And then I realized that it shouldn't be how I think. I did nothing wrong. If God is my God, He is Love. I want to love God than fear him. I believe he has brought us here for a purpose and it is not merely serve him, but it is so that we can enjoy this life while remembering Him. We are not sinners, but rather God's children. The more I thought about the faith I was following, the more I compared it to Nancy's version or most of the people there, I realized I was too different. I figured I must then be agnostic of some sort. I strongly believe in God, that He exists, loves and protects, but I dont' like all these "rules", all these silly questions about "if I do this and that, am I wrong?" I mean I would just go for ethical conclusions-yes, if you kill someone, it is wrong. But if you have a guy friend as your best freinds, you are not doing anything wrong. I mean jeez!!!

Seriously, I became feverish and I had a mind splitting headache after the Halaqa. I had to run out of the room back to my dorm and all I did was jump into my bed and try and sleep. But sleep didn't come that easily though...I just felt so restless and just so glum. I also had this dull ache that I dont' think I am still over.

If only I had someone I could turn to who wouldn't judge me in any way, but just listen to me and reiterate that God loves first and foremost, and that if I wished to live an ethical life, then I should be welcomed to do so.

Friday, September 30, 2005

I just feel down today...just down. I am not really sure why exactly...
Actually, I guess I could count plenty of reasons why...
For one, it is way too cold today! Like freezing! I am literally shivering in my own room for Heaven's sake! And the radiotor is bloody not ON!!! Like wth do they want us to do? Shrivel and go to sleep and skip class? hmm that's not such a bad idea actually...

Speaking of classes, OMG I HATE what I did on my poetry paper!!! I am so mortified...beyond anything. I feel shitty really. I mean HOW could I have done that? I thought I'd have done a good job....but I never thought it'd go THAT bad. I mean yeah..the comfort is that the first paper is not graded...and I really should have worked on it much sooner *shrugs*. Even still...WHAT is wrong with me? OMG I sincerely hope I didn't f*** up the papers for my other classes too....hmm maybe I could work myself to death on a Vic Lit paper...but not Shakes or Restoration...Man!!! I HAVE to do this well! Or else, I'll screw up my whole English career, which I simply cannot afford to do!

And of course, the other major thing on my mind right now is Salwa's Mom is coming to spend the weekend with her, which is really sweet. But I feel like crying inside. My mother isn't in the state to do such a thing for me. First of all, we are not that close, second, she's very far away, and third, there is SO much else going with my family right now.
You know....I realized just now how I had forgotten what a normal family is supposed to be like.I mean ...I can't even remember the last time my parents had not quarelled. They've never talked to each other like a normal couple. Everytime, it would end in arguments. I really dont' think my parents have anything holding them to each other other than us-the children. And now, the first two have moved away, its the younger two left. My Dad told me he's only staying for my brothers...

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Swimming Lessons
The feeling is just wonderful, breathtaking.
yeah peeps, I am talking about learning to swim (ok...don't laugh, so what? Its never too late to learn anything right? )

But seriously!!! It is truly one of the most liberating things I've ever, experienced.
I never thought I'd learn to actually do free style in so short a time. In the past, I'd watch my brothers dip and dive in the pool and I'd feel envious and upset that I could never yet master that....but that was then. Every time I tried it, I'd be scared of the water filling up my nose, and also of drowing...

Then I needed PE credits to graduate (yes..imagine if the only reason I couldnt' graduate was due to lack of PE credits!!! Like how dumb!!!) so yeah not wlling to risk such a misfortune...I signed up for swimming...because where else would it be easier to learn it (if ever) than right here?

oh the ordeals...first came the shopping for swimsuits (yes, peeps, you should know how picky I am when it comes to that!), and I spent an entire weekend looking for the perfect one! Finally, Safia helped me find a nice, comfy pair =) wasn't easy during the first few days...there were too many steps to remember and I had to learn that merely learning to float didn't mean I could get all excited and eager and go over to the "forbidden" deep end (yeah..and nearly risked a heart attack). But the swimming assistant coaches were really sweet and patient with me though and I am happy to announce that I have finally got the hang of free style *proud grin*.

oh the first time I learnt to float on my back, I could just go on for felt so...peaceful. As if all I had was the water beneath me and the sky above. Gone were all my troubles when I was like that, and I could just concentrate on keeping my tummy in, my legs straight and my head above the water. After a while, I didn't even have to "think"-it just happened. Maybe if I didn't think too much about my worries, it'll all be fine. I could float through life I did in the water. Maybe if I just concentrated on the lightness of being and the pleasure in simple things, life would actually be more enjoyable.

There is a comfort that comes when the water buoys you up, when you learn not to sink. Its like the mass of water beneath and all around you holds you as if you were in a cocoon. The water fils up the spaces around you, and also inside of you. It feels like its telling me "I am right here, enveloping you, holding you, caressing you. You're safe with me. You are safe here."

Next came the learning to actually kick and going forward as well as kicking on your back. This was exciting too...because every time I was able to hold my breath, look down at the bottom of the pool, keep myself horizontal, kick, and move, it means I'd have to push masses of water behind me in order to thrust myself forward. It was symbolic of pushing away your difficulties, evils, temptations, and dissappointments. These things are going to keep coming, keep piling up, but it doesnt' mean that I'd have to let them stop me from going forward. As long as I have faith and believe that I CAN move forward, I can over come them. In fact, those very obstacles will help me not only grow stronger, but also reach newer heights as well as enjoy the pleasures along the way-just like the lightness of floating.

And finally, there is a sort of grace that comes over you when you are in the company of water. Its like you move differenly underneath, and your body arches in ways that would allow you to glide and keep balance. And when you twirl yourself in the water, every move is in slow motion but with a certain melody to it...there is just a pleasant song that your body seems to sing when you are in the water. Its a feeling of letting go...of yourself, your constraints, your difficulties,...and just being comfortable with yourself and your surroundings, feeling safe and comforted, and....and a special kind of lightness, inside and out.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

I just came back from a lecture called "Re-imagining the Scarlet Letter" given by Deborah Noyes, the author of
"Angel and Aposte", which is the imagined story of Pearl from Hawthorne's timeless classic, The Scarlet Letter. I was sitting there completly smitten!!! I felt like she was a true kindred spirit. She was echoing my sentiments in a way that almost made me cry.
Like she talked about how she was drawn to the Scarlet Letter since she was in High School, how she came back to it later as a college student and there was just something about it she could not let go. She mentioned that she was so intrigued by Pearl's charcter, because she could find parallels between her own character and that of Pearl, as well as give life to a character Hawthorne didn't give enough voice to.

She said that she kept seeing visions of a little girl in a red dress, with an impish face, singing aloud, and sort of just not letting her go. It was a sign for Deborah to start writing, as a way to validate the appearance of that image in her head. Deborah mentioned how she would relate more to characters in books than even in real life, and I could SO attest to that! I was sitting there thinking "OMG so here is ONE person speaking in front of a crowd thing sthat I have felt and thought no one would ever understand or relate to" And yet, the other listened to her, nodded, smiled. I wonder what they were thinking. Did they dismiss everything she said about imagining "real" characters as real people and seeing visions of characters? Or did they look upon her in utter awe? Were they really fascinated about her almost mystic language and countenance and the experiences she related as a writer and as a person?
Would what she said hold the same meaning to the other people in the room as it did for me? Unless there were other people like me in the room, I reckon it wouldn't have the same meaning.
If one person, such as Deboarah Noyes, could hold the attention and interest of a crowd because she seemed so different, so like me, then I wonder if there would be others who'd be interested in what I might have to say. I don't come across many people here who think the way I do, see the way I do. Its almost like I live in my own world most of the I am two people: one who can mingle with others as if I am like one of them, and yet there is this other part of me that feels so alone because I don't find people here to really open up to. So I was thinking...maybe, just maybe, if I became as famous as Deborah, would the crowd of people think I am interesting and worth listeing to? Maybe if I became someone like Deborah, I might be able to find people in the crowd the same way as Deborah had me in her crowd.

She mentioned how she was fascinated by the Gothic writing, like the Brontes (*grins*). And she talked about how she felt she had to give a voice to women from the past.

And Deb also talked about how she liked Children's Fiction-something so very close to my own heart. She talked about how Children's fiction influenced her own work as a writer of adult fiction. And I was there thinking "She has the best of what I want to do: Chidlren's fiction and Classic English literature"

At the end of the lecture, I had some time to talk to her. I was so excited I could barely make sense of what I said ...because I talked to fast! I talked about how I loved the Brontes and Children's Fiction, how I can relate to characters as much or more than real people, and also how I feel like I see visions of characters. She listened and smiled and there was such warmth and sympathy in it...that I truly felt that I was talking to someone who really understands what I say, who knows how much characters mean to me. Who can escape to alternate worlds, away from the world of the mundane, real life. Who can dream endless dreams and savor them all and live in the richness of the imagination.

She asked me "are you a writer?" and that got me thinking..She must have noticed something enough ask that question....
Maybe I should write..
and if I do, maybe sooner than I think....
I found this on SH's resume and I thought it was such a beautiful saying....
I dunno...but I think its sweet that there is a line that says " I am here tonight". It has such a tone of comfort in it. Its like someone is watching over you...and that someone can be anyone you want it to be. I would think of God first, then someone else...

It also tells you not be afraid, because fear dissolves into beauty. The same thing that frightens us could hold beauty as well...for it all depends on how we look at it.

Lullaby For a Stormy Night
--words and music by Vienna Teng

little child, be not afraid
though rain pounds harshly against the glass
like an unwanted stranger, there is no danger
I am here tonight

little child, be not afraid
though thunder explodes and lightning flash
illuminates your tear-stained face
I am here tonight

and someday you'll know
that nature is so
the same rain that draws you near me
falls on rivers and land
on forests and sand
makes the beautiful world that you'll see
in the morning
Just blogging away...
So I was supposed to be taking time off and studying this afternoon!!! OMG why am I just such a procrastinator?? Like I started this blog for Heaven's sake and I am preoccupied on updating it. Gosh how time flies....

Anyways..not a very eventful day today however...
No classes, but just had regular work *rolls eyes*. I am planning to go to what seems like a great lecture today in the ZA House. Its called "Re-imagining the Scarlet Letter" and the speaker is a writer of sequel to Hawthorne's Scarlet Letter that focuses on the story of Pearl. The book is infact called "Angel and Apostle". Hopefully it shoud be good..

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Welcome to my world!
Although this is the third blog I've started, I intend to keep this more personal, filling it with every day frolics and frenzies.

I'm Samiya and I am currently a senior majoring in English. Reading, writing, drawing and dreaming dreams top the list of things I love to do.

I am particuarly fascinated by the 19th century, specifically the Brontes (who I hope to study more about in Grad school in the near future). I love anything period-ish, from movies to constume, to dancing to food, leisure, culture.....etc etc.