Ergh!!
I went to the Halaqa yesterday (on the insistence from a few friends who were like "you've GOT to come and speak up"), even though I wasn't that excited to go. After all, Nancy was presenting. I still haven't warmed up to her, I mean she's a nice person and all...but somehow I feel like we just dont' mesh. I feel like I my thoughts are far different from hers...and in her presence I even feel scared to speak up.

Anyways, yesterday at the Halaqa definity was not my cup of tea. Nancy talked about how we have to question all of our friendships-as if we had to gain "something higher" from them instead of having friends merely because we love to be around people. I for one was just apalled at what she said , that we have to try and have girlfriends instead of guy friends. I mean..ok..what if I can't find girls who are like me? Does that mean I have to shut myself in and keep looking for girls? God!!! This does make me angry!!! I have NO idea how I could have put up with it for more than an hour! I should have left much earlier. oh and another thing...she talked about thinking with your head rather than your heart when you are in a relationship-so as to "save yourself from the heartbreak" and also for practical reasons. Hello! In that case, I don't want to marry. I'd much rather be content giving and receiving love freely rather than doing it out of compulsion-just for the name of marriage. Yes, I want to have biological kids, if I can, yes, I want to experience true love. But marriage is much more than just meeting practical requirements, its also a lifetime commitment. God!!! How different people can be!

The more I was there, the more I kept feeling just weird...as if I was a bad person...
And then I realized that it shouldn't be how I think. I did nothing wrong. If God is my God, He is Love. I want to love God than fear him. I believe he has brought us here for a purpose and it is not merely serve him, but it is so that we can enjoy this life while remembering Him. We are not sinners, but rather God's children. The more I thought about the faith I was following, the more I compared it to Nancy's version or most of the people there, I realized I was too different. I figured I must then be agnostic of some sort. I strongly believe in God, that He exists, loves and protects, but I dont' like all these "rules", all these silly questions about "if I do this and that, am I wrong?" I mean I would just go for ethical conclusions-yes, if you kill someone, it is wrong. But if you have a guy friend as your best freinds, you are not doing anything wrong. I mean jeez!!!

Seriously, I became feverish and I had a mind splitting headache after the Halaqa. I had to run out of the room back to my dorm and all I did was jump into my bed and try and sleep. But sleep didn't come that easily though...I just felt so restless and just so glum. I also had this dull ache that I dont' think I am still over.

If only I had someone I could turn to who wouldn't judge me in any way, but just listen to me and reiterate that God loves first and foremost, and that if I wished to live an ethical life, then I should be welcomed to do so.