A friend says she is bored and would like to me to come over. Which is fine with me. But this isn't the first time, for it has been a while now since she is also confined to her room for some time. I do like spending time with her and I think she is one the nicest people I've known. And yet...I want time for myself too. I need time to read and just think things. I need time to get inspiration for something or another. I need time to create something. It is not like everytime I have time for myself I automatically do something creative or feel like brooding on an issue. Often I just do nothing . Even when I brood...I can't make something concrete out of my thougths. My friend of course knows nothing about this. She does not know how much reading means to me. She does not know how much I want to drink in books. She does not know how much I need to create something. If I tell her that I need time away from her, time for myself, not to do homework but to do some writing...I am not sure if she'll understand. I don't know why I can't even bring myself to tell her something to that effect..

Today I dropped by her room and seeing that she wasn't in, I left a message. She calls me up and tells me to come over. I then called her and told her I won't be able to. Just that. I fear that she might think I am a loner because I do like spending at least some time by myself instead of spending time with her. At the same time, if I am in my room too much, I feel lonely too. It is this whole balance one has to figure out...the need to go out and be with people and the need to be by one's self. I know I want to live in books...but then if I do that, I won't have people (friends) in real life because I'd have missed out on them. The trouble is when you want too much and nothing can fulfill that for you. When you want too much out of real people and you don't get it from them, you find comfort in books. But the things books can't give you, you try to find it in real life. If only books can come alive...if only there was some kind of secret garden I can go to, some way of keeping my imagination alive and staying in the real world..
But of course..it'd be the stuff of dreams..